Bonding with the Bio Mom

Although adoption is our goal, we also know none of this is about us.  If God chooses us to temporarily care for a child that will reunite with their family we have to encourage that.  We are not out to steal someone's child and can relate that as parents that none of us are without sin or struggle.  Yes our pride would probably like to demonize her, but would Jesus?  Our goal aside from caring for orphans is to be the hands and feet of Jesus.  If reaching that parent with the gospel is done because we have the honor of walking through this difficult time with them and minister to them, let God's will be done.  But how?

During our home study the worker told us that the best cases are when foster mom and birth mother can connect on some level so that they can both care for the child.  At first the birth mother will be angry.  But she told us if she can see us as real people who struggle as well and who are not judging her, she may let her guard down.  They are battle pride too, along with the other issues that got them in this situation.  The case worker said that sometimes the foster mother also builds enough of a relationship that she can foster the mother and model mothering to her.  An ongoing relationship can continue after reunification.  However, sometimes when the mom realizes she really cannot do it, there have been times when she has signed over parental rights and adoption becomes her choice.  That will not happen if that relationship was bitter and hostile.

How can we facilitate a relationship?  Maybe bringing photos of the child taken with you that she can have.  Maybe asking her questions about preferences so you can care for the child better and let her know her opinion is valued.  For instance, does she have a favorite toy or routine for bedtime?  How she likes their hair cut?  Chances are there wasn't a routine but just asking would be nice.  Also taking photos of her with the child and give her a copy.

Another way that you can reach out is to ask her if she wants to attend doctors appointments when you take them.  By her being there it could be an opportunity of how to model parenting again while you interact with the doctor.  Maybe picking her up so she can be involved with you at a school event.  Of course all this needs to be cleared with case worker.

What if reunification doesn't happen?  Well if you adopt the child you will probably find that time valuable since it may be all you ever know about the child's mother.  The time will come when they will ask.  That is also why photos will be important, you can have them for their baby book. The home study worker said many times the mothers just disappear off the radar and they never know what happens to them.  This may be the only opportunity.  It is the least you can do for your child if you are adopting.