Although adoption is our goal, we also know none of this is about us. If God chooses us to temporarily care for a child that will reunite with their family we have to encourage that. We are not out to steal someone's child and can relate that as parents that none of us are without sin or struggle. Yes our pride would probably like to demonize her, but would Jesus? Our goal aside from caring for orphans is to be the hands and feet of Jesus. If reaching that parent with the gospel is done because we have the honor of walking through this difficult time with them and minister to them, let God's will be done. But how?
During our home study the worker told us that the best cases are when foster mom and birth mother can connect on some level so that they can both care for the child. At first the birth mother will be angry. But she told us if she can see us as real people who struggle as well and who are not judging her, she may let her guard down. They are battle pride too, along with the other issues that got them in this situation. The case worker said that sometimes the foster mother also builds enough of a relationship that she can foster the mother and model mothering to her. An ongoing relationship can continue after reunification. However, sometimes when the mom realizes she really cannot do it, there have been times when she has signed over parental rights and adoption becomes her choice. That will not happen if that relationship was bitter and hostile.
How can we facilitate a relationship? Maybe bringing photos of the child taken with you that she can have. Maybe asking her questions about preferences so you can care for the child better and let her know her opinion is valued. For instance, does she have a favorite toy or routine for bedtime? How she likes their hair cut? Chances are there wasn't a routine but just asking would be nice. Also taking photos of her with the child and give her a copy.
Another way that you can reach out is to ask her if she wants to attend doctors appointments when you take them. By her being there it could be an opportunity of how to model parenting again while you interact with the doctor. Maybe picking her up so she can be involved with you at a school event. Of course all this needs to be cleared with case worker.
What if reunification doesn't happen? Well if you adopt the child you will probably find that time valuable since it may be all you ever know about the child's mother. The time will come when they will ask. That is also why photos will be important, you can have them for their baby book. The home study worker said many times the mothers just disappear off the radar and they never know what happens to them. This may be the only opportunity. It is the least you can do for your child if you are adopting.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Home Study
Yes, the dreaded home study. Let me put your minds at ease if this is in your future. As the days drawn nearer the panic sets in. We stay up late cleaning the corners of every room with a toothpick, actually it is a foster mom's equivalence of "nesting", as I felt the same. Our home study worker arrived and to be honest it was a walk in the park. PLEASE NOTE: Every home study worker is different. For instance, some friends have had them ask the children questions about how they are disciplined, look in every nook and cranny etc. However, the home studies are really about preparing you, not exactly all about scrutinizing your flaws.
We were a bit discouraged when we heard our chance for adopting from fostering was about 10%. You really must be prepared to be willing and facilitating the child to go back with the parent if reunification is possible. While keeping in mind, if reunification is not possible we would be first to be considered for adoption, after family. Usually they try to check out the family option in the initial days so they you don't end up fostering for a year and a half only to find out the child is going to be adopted by an aunt. This is a fairly new practice since in the past many cases went exactly that way.
Newborns and the issues were a main concern for us. Most people do not consider to apply for fostering newborns since they are told (as we were) there simply not any available. Guess what? That is a myth. Many foster families are dual income. They simply cannot take an infant unless they are six weeks or older due to the fact they need them to be able to go into daycare. Since I am home, we are willing to take the newborns.
Let's face it there are primarily a few reasons a newborn would be in foster care already. 1. Mother is incarcerated. 2. Mother tested positive for illegal drugs while giving birth. 3. Mother has already had previous children taken into foster care. (Note: that does not mean she automatically loses custody of this baby, but it does mean automatically there is an investigation.) So that could be a short term care of a few days while they check out that she is fit.
Drugs. Most of issues with drugs are the baby has undoubtedly been lacking in prenatal care whether withdrawl symptoms are present in the child or not. More likely than not they will be born prematurely so there are all of the things that come along with premature babies as well. For instance, apnea machines, child not able to eat or sleep properly just due to weight. The hospital will have you get some training before leaving with the child, thankfully.
I guess I am getting off topic but all in all the home study was a breeze. Our worker comes back for a second one which is scheduled in a few days and that is mostly to go over paper work and policy. She told us at the first study that we should have our approval in two weeks after her supervisor signs off and the next supervisor up signs off.
The following day all our references called to say they received the forms in the mail. Make sure to choose someone who will return them right away or you will hold things up. Once again we come back to praying for God to lead us and us to not jump ahead of Him.
We were a bit discouraged when we heard our chance for adopting from fostering was about 10%. You really must be prepared to be willing and facilitating the child to go back with the parent if reunification is possible. While keeping in mind, if reunification is not possible we would be first to be considered for adoption, after family. Usually they try to check out the family option in the initial days so they you don't end up fostering for a year and a half only to find out the child is going to be adopted by an aunt. This is a fairly new practice since in the past many cases went exactly that way.
Newborns and the issues were a main concern for us. Most people do not consider to apply for fostering newborns since they are told (as we were) there simply not any available. Guess what? That is a myth. Many foster families are dual income. They simply cannot take an infant unless they are six weeks or older due to the fact they need them to be able to go into daycare. Since I am home, we are willing to take the newborns.
Let's face it there are primarily a few reasons a newborn would be in foster care already. 1. Mother is incarcerated. 2. Mother tested positive for illegal drugs while giving birth. 3. Mother has already had previous children taken into foster care. (Note: that does not mean she automatically loses custody of this baby, but it does mean automatically there is an investigation.) So that could be a short term care of a few days while they check out that she is fit.
Drugs. Most of issues with drugs are the baby has undoubtedly been lacking in prenatal care whether withdrawl symptoms are present in the child or not. More likely than not they will be born prematurely so there are all of the things that come along with premature babies as well. For instance, apnea machines, child not able to eat or sleep properly just due to weight. The hospital will have you get some training before leaving with the child, thankfully.
I guess I am getting off topic but all in all the home study was a breeze. Our worker comes back for a second one which is scheduled in a few days and that is mostly to go over paper work and policy. She told us at the first study that we should have our approval in two weeks after her supervisor signs off and the next supervisor up signs off.
The following day all our references called to say they received the forms in the mail. Make sure to choose someone who will return them right away or you will hold things up. Once again we come back to praying for God to lead us and us to not jump ahead of Him.
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