We were approved on a Friday, but the worker who would assign us to a caseworker was on vacation for a week. In the meantime my friend received a call that twins 9 month old were put out on a calling post message. She called us to see if we were interested. My husband said no because we had recently decided on only taking one child to ease into this with our existing family. Plus we wouldn't have enough seats to accommodate in our van. Honestly, I was disappointed he said no. Once again, our no needs to be no going in because in the heat of the moment, your heart can deceive you. Weeks later I found out there were actually 5 children in the sibling group and they ended up not going into care.
A couple days later we received a call regarding twin 3 yr old girls. (I thought twins were rare!) I said "no" due to our agreement of one child. Truthfully, they later told us there was a 9 year old brother that they would separate if we would take the girls.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
Bonding with the Bio Mom
Although adoption is our goal, we also know none of this is about us. If God chooses us to temporarily care for a child that will reunite with their family we have to encourage that. We are not out to steal someone's child and can relate that as parents that none of us are without sin or struggle. Yes our pride would probably like to demonize her, but would Jesus? Our goal aside from caring for orphans is to be the hands and feet of Jesus. If reaching that parent with the gospel is done because we have the honor of walking through this difficult time with them and minister to them, let God's will be done. But how?
During our home study the worker told us that the best cases are when foster mom and birth mother can connect on some level so that they can both care for the child. At first the birth mother will be angry. But she told us if she can see us as real people who struggle as well and who are not judging her, she may let her guard down. They are battle pride too, along with the other issues that got them in this situation. The case worker said that sometimes the foster mother also builds enough of a relationship that she can foster the mother and model mothering to her. An ongoing relationship can continue after reunification. However, sometimes when the mom realizes she really cannot do it, there have been times when she has signed over parental rights and adoption becomes her choice. That will not happen if that relationship was bitter and hostile.
How can we facilitate a relationship? Maybe bringing photos of the child taken with you that she can have. Maybe asking her questions about preferences so you can care for the child better and let her know her opinion is valued. For instance, does she have a favorite toy or routine for bedtime? How she likes their hair cut? Chances are there wasn't a routine but just asking would be nice. Also taking photos of her with the child and give her a copy.
Another way that you can reach out is to ask her if she wants to attend doctors appointments when you take them. By her being there it could be an opportunity of how to model parenting again while you interact with the doctor. Maybe picking her up so she can be involved with you at a school event. Of course all this needs to be cleared with case worker.
What if reunification doesn't happen? Well if you adopt the child you will probably find that time valuable since it may be all you ever know about the child's mother. The time will come when they will ask. That is also why photos will be important, you can have them for their baby book. The home study worker said many times the mothers just disappear off the radar and they never know what happens to them. This may be the only opportunity. It is the least you can do for your child if you are adopting.
During our home study the worker told us that the best cases are when foster mom and birth mother can connect on some level so that they can both care for the child. At first the birth mother will be angry. But she told us if she can see us as real people who struggle as well and who are not judging her, she may let her guard down. They are battle pride too, along with the other issues that got them in this situation. The case worker said that sometimes the foster mother also builds enough of a relationship that she can foster the mother and model mothering to her. An ongoing relationship can continue after reunification. However, sometimes when the mom realizes she really cannot do it, there have been times when she has signed over parental rights and adoption becomes her choice. That will not happen if that relationship was bitter and hostile.
How can we facilitate a relationship? Maybe bringing photos of the child taken with you that she can have. Maybe asking her questions about preferences so you can care for the child better and let her know her opinion is valued. For instance, does she have a favorite toy or routine for bedtime? How she likes their hair cut? Chances are there wasn't a routine but just asking would be nice. Also taking photos of her with the child and give her a copy.
Another way that you can reach out is to ask her if she wants to attend doctors appointments when you take them. By her being there it could be an opportunity of how to model parenting again while you interact with the doctor. Maybe picking her up so she can be involved with you at a school event. Of course all this needs to be cleared with case worker.
What if reunification doesn't happen? Well if you adopt the child you will probably find that time valuable since it may be all you ever know about the child's mother. The time will come when they will ask. That is also why photos will be important, you can have them for their baby book. The home study worker said many times the mothers just disappear off the radar and they never know what happens to them. This may be the only opportunity. It is the least you can do for your child if you are adopting.
Home Study
Yes, the dreaded home study. Let me put your minds at ease if this is in your future. As the days drawn nearer the panic sets in. We stay up late cleaning the corners of every room with a toothpick, actually it is a foster mom's equivalence of "nesting", as I felt the same. Our home study worker arrived and to be honest it was a walk in the park. PLEASE NOTE: Every home study worker is different. For instance, some friends have had them ask the children questions about how they are disciplined, look in every nook and cranny etc. However, the home studies are really about preparing you, not exactly all about scrutinizing your flaws.
We were a bit discouraged when we heard our chance for adopting from fostering was about 10%. You really must be prepared to be willing and facilitating the child to go back with the parent if reunification is possible. While keeping in mind, if reunification is not possible we would be first to be considered for adoption, after family. Usually they try to check out the family option in the initial days so they you don't end up fostering for a year and a half only to find out the child is going to be adopted by an aunt. This is a fairly new practice since in the past many cases went exactly that way.
Newborns and the issues were a main concern for us. Most people do not consider to apply for fostering newborns since they are told (as we were) there simply not any available. Guess what? That is a myth. Many foster families are dual income. They simply cannot take an infant unless they are six weeks or older due to the fact they need them to be able to go into daycare. Since I am home, we are willing to take the newborns.
Let's face it there are primarily a few reasons a newborn would be in foster care already. 1. Mother is incarcerated. 2. Mother tested positive for illegal drugs while giving birth. 3. Mother has already had previous children taken into foster care. (Note: that does not mean she automatically loses custody of this baby, but it does mean automatically there is an investigation.) So that could be a short term care of a few days while they check out that she is fit.
Drugs. Most of issues with drugs are the baby has undoubtedly been lacking in prenatal care whether withdrawl symptoms are present in the child or not. More likely than not they will be born prematurely so there are all of the things that come along with premature babies as well. For instance, apnea machines, child not able to eat or sleep properly just due to weight. The hospital will have you get some training before leaving with the child, thankfully.
I guess I am getting off topic but all in all the home study was a breeze. Our worker comes back for a second one which is scheduled in a few days and that is mostly to go over paper work and policy. She told us at the first study that we should have our approval in two weeks after her supervisor signs off and the next supervisor up signs off.
The following day all our references called to say they received the forms in the mail. Make sure to choose someone who will return them right away or you will hold things up. Once again we come back to praying for God to lead us and us to not jump ahead of Him.
We were a bit discouraged when we heard our chance for adopting from fostering was about 10%. You really must be prepared to be willing and facilitating the child to go back with the parent if reunification is possible. While keeping in mind, if reunification is not possible we would be first to be considered for adoption, after family. Usually they try to check out the family option in the initial days so they you don't end up fostering for a year and a half only to find out the child is going to be adopted by an aunt. This is a fairly new practice since in the past many cases went exactly that way.
Newborns and the issues were a main concern for us. Most people do not consider to apply for fostering newborns since they are told (as we were) there simply not any available. Guess what? That is a myth. Many foster families are dual income. They simply cannot take an infant unless they are six weeks or older due to the fact they need them to be able to go into daycare. Since I am home, we are willing to take the newborns.
Let's face it there are primarily a few reasons a newborn would be in foster care already. 1. Mother is incarcerated. 2. Mother tested positive for illegal drugs while giving birth. 3. Mother has already had previous children taken into foster care. (Note: that does not mean she automatically loses custody of this baby, but it does mean automatically there is an investigation.) So that could be a short term care of a few days while they check out that she is fit.
Drugs. Most of issues with drugs are the baby has undoubtedly been lacking in prenatal care whether withdrawl symptoms are present in the child or not. More likely than not they will be born prematurely so there are all of the things that come along with premature babies as well. For instance, apnea machines, child not able to eat or sleep properly just due to weight. The hospital will have you get some training before leaving with the child, thankfully.
I guess I am getting off topic but all in all the home study was a breeze. Our worker comes back for a second one which is scheduled in a few days and that is mostly to go over paper work and policy. She told us at the first study that we should have our approval in two weeks after her supervisor signs off and the next supervisor up signs off.
The following day all our references called to say they received the forms in the mail. Make sure to choose someone who will return them right away or you will hold things up. Once again we come back to praying for God to lead us and us to not jump ahead of Him.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
The Big Packet Arrived!
After our foster parenting classes were completed, we filled out forms to have a police department background check. We knew there was a large packet of forms, agreements, bios, and such to fill out. That would be a major part of the process. To utilize our time, we wanted to begin filling out the forms to get a jump on eating the elephant one bite at a time. Unfortunately, after driving to the office to give them the application for the background check I asked for it, they wouldn't give it to me until the background check came back. It would be understandable if they wouldn't process or even accept it until then but to not give out blank forms?? Okay. Enough venting....today the BIG PACKET arrived! Luckily I received it, since my five year old retrieved the mail which often times is strewn from here to yonder. He is only interested in the Visa Credit Card offers from Disney so he can have a credit card with Mickey on it to play with.
When I told him what the packet was he was excited. A step closer to another child in our home. All of our children are enthusiastic about it. We didn't deal with the typical sibling rivalry when a new baby was welcomed into our family. Oh, believe me, they snibble and fuss at each other now, but not when they first arrived one by one. The last three were scheduled C-Sections so the planning was methodical. This will be a whirlwind. When we get the call, likely it will be a days notice. No ultrasound to let us know months in advance if it's a boy or girl coming. Since we have no preference it could be either. Possible a sibling group of two. Well, I am nothing if not spontaneous, so it works! Back to the mountain of paperwork. I will fill you in on what they are asking for, in case you are all wondering.
When I told him what the packet was he was excited. A step closer to another child in our home. All of our children are enthusiastic about it. We didn't deal with the typical sibling rivalry when a new baby was welcomed into our family. Oh, believe me, they snibble and fuss at each other now, but not when they first arrived one by one. The last three were scheduled C-Sections so the planning was methodical. This will be a whirlwind. When we get the call, likely it will be a days notice. No ultrasound to let us know months in advance if it's a boy or girl coming. Since we have no preference it could be either. Possible a sibling group of two. Well, I am nothing if not spontaneous, so it works! Back to the mountain of paperwork. I will fill you in on what they are asking for, in case you are all wondering.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Love is not enough?
In class we discussed how we are all there because we have big hearts, that is not a question. However, we are told love is not enough. Okay, I am struggling a little with it. Doesn't love transform? Jesus's love for us did. Doesn't it endure? His love endures forever. Love is patient, love is kind. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. How can love not be enough? Maybe it's hope and faith too. But the greatest of these is LOVE. One thing is for sure, whatever else it takes, will not be enough if there is not love. Not just for the child you just met but for Jesus. With Jesus you can love them like He does, even if they may be unlovable at first. If you share the gospel with them Jesus will make up for whatever you are lacking. I tell my children all the time, that I will fail them. Even with the best of intentions, I will mess up. Jesus will never fail them. I will tell our foster or adopted children the same. After all the let downs and broken promises they have seen it will be more refreshing for them to hope in One that never fails than a flawed parents like us. We will try and pray to do the right thing, but in the end if they don't learn of the true love of Jesus, it doesn't matter. Love is enough. His love.
One Race
Our foster classes discussed trans racial adoption and how we would acclimate a child of a different race of ours. I struggled a bit with this because I firmly believe there is one race, our ancestors all came off the ark. Yes we look different and society treats us very differently. Our class trainer asked "how will you raise your child to embrace their race?" I was at a loss. I am not naive enough to not think the child would not notice they look different. But on the other hand we had neighbors that "looked differently" and we played together daily and my kids thought they were all cousins. So I just figured we aren't racist so it shouldn't be a problem. But I didn't really know how to help them embrace their race.
When I was adopted, it was the practice back then to match up the children with parents that looked the closest to them. So there was no embracing I needed to do, I guess. No experience of my own to draw upon. My friend has a child that has a Japanese heritage so every year on his birthday they go out to a Japanese resturant.
The advice of my trainer was to take them around more people that look like them and also other cultures so everyone looks different. We homeschool and I did a similar thing with my children, getting around more homeschoolers so they wouldn't feel so different. It had a great result. Also homeschooling has given me the ability to teach history from a Hebrew prospective. We learn history in chronological order over four years. But I explain to my children, we are not Jewish but because of what Jesus did on the cross we were adopted into God's Family and Jesus was Jewish. So our forefathers are the Jews. Couldn't we just adopt them and have them embrace our heritage? I have one blonde daughter in a sea of dark headed children. We always point it out as her uniqueness in our family and she loves it. Couldn't it be the same?
My children won't have a problem with a sibling of another race, but what about everyone else? Not just the relatives, neighbors but what about the passers by every day who already make comments to me. I kid you not, if I had a dollar for every time a stranger said to me "Wow, you got your hands full!" or "Don't you know how to prevent that" speaking of my many little blessings. "Are these all yours?" Or there is always, "Why aren't they in school?" So I do foresee the comments and questions about the different looking one in the bunch.
In fact, I have heard stories of friends who have had complete strangers make snide comments about the little child in their grocery cart. Now, I am a big girl, I can handle it. They are ignorant. But how will my children feel when their sibling is being criticized on a daily basis, not to mention the wounded little one we are trying to heal? I do always take the opportunities that I am encountering daily to lift up my children and say "yes, they are all mine and isn't it great?" or "I am blessed!" Maybe with the new opportunities if we have a trans racial adoption I will use them to educate people. Need to think about that.
When I was adopted, it was the practice back then to match up the children with parents that looked the closest to them. So there was no embracing I needed to do, I guess. No experience of my own to draw upon. My friend has a child that has a Japanese heritage so every year on his birthday they go out to a Japanese resturant.
The advice of my trainer was to take them around more people that look like them and also other cultures so everyone looks different. We homeschool and I did a similar thing with my children, getting around more homeschoolers so they wouldn't feel so different. It had a great result. Also homeschooling has given me the ability to teach history from a Hebrew prospective. We learn history in chronological order over four years. But I explain to my children, we are not Jewish but because of what Jesus did on the cross we were adopted into God's Family and Jesus was Jewish. So our forefathers are the Jews. Couldn't we just adopt them and have them embrace our heritage? I have one blonde daughter in a sea of dark headed children. We always point it out as her uniqueness in our family and she loves it. Couldn't it be the same?
My children won't have a problem with a sibling of another race, but what about everyone else? Not just the relatives, neighbors but what about the passers by every day who already make comments to me. I kid you not, if I had a dollar for every time a stranger said to me "Wow, you got your hands full!" or "Don't you know how to prevent that" speaking of my many little blessings. "Are these all yours?" Or there is always, "Why aren't they in school?" So I do foresee the comments and questions about the different looking one in the bunch.
In fact, I have heard stories of friends who have had complete strangers make snide comments about the little child in their grocery cart. Now, I am a big girl, I can handle it. They are ignorant. But how will my children feel when their sibling is being criticized on a daily basis, not to mention the wounded little one we are trying to heal? I do always take the opportunities that I am encountering daily to lift up my children and say "yes, they are all mine and isn't it great?" or "I am blessed!" Maybe with the new opportunities if we have a trans racial adoption I will use them to educate people. Need to think about that.
Martian Child and The Christmas Bunny
We watched "The Martian Child" with John Cusack. We were told that it accurately portrays the system no only did we thoroughly enjoyed the movie, we needed it. After our classes we never had one positive comment or success case explained to us. We only heard negative sides to the whole situation. Believe me, I understand they want us with our eyes wide open but we always left wondering "why would anyone want to do this from the way they explain it?" The movie gave us a success story whether fictional or not. Another movie I would recommend is "The Christmas Bunny" both are family friendly movies however, the Christmas Bunny has a scene I forward passed in the beginning with what kind of mom the little girl has. It is a short scene but still I didn't like my kids to see it.
One topic it brought to mind is, while it may be uncomfortable for me to meet the birth mom, I think it will be far worse if there is a visitation planned and she doesn't show. This is very common and I wonder how I will handle that when the child is devastated that mom didn't show up. Or when mom doesn't do what it takes to get them back. How do you show grace? That will take some prayer.
Another point both movies touched on was when the children come into your home never get rid of their stuff, or make negative comments since it's really all they own and it's a connection to their parents. It doesn't matter what condition its in.
Even if you are not considering fostering or adoption these are two movies worth seeing. That's my two cents!
One topic it brought to mind is, while it may be uncomfortable for me to meet the birth mom, I think it will be far worse if there is a visitation planned and she doesn't show. This is very common and I wonder how I will handle that when the child is devastated that mom didn't show up. Or when mom doesn't do what it takes to get them back. How do you show grace? That will take some prayer.
Another point both movies touched on was when the children come into your home never get rid of their stuff, or make negative comments since it's really all they own and it's a connection to their parents. It doesn't matter what condition its in.
Even if you are not considering fostering or adoption these are two movies worth seeing. That's my two cents!
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