Love is not enough?

In class we discussed how we are all there because we have big hearts, that is not a question.  However, we are told love is not enough.  Okay, I am struggling a little with it.  Doesn't love transform?  Jesus's love for us did.  Doesn't it endure? His love endures forever.  Love is patient, love is kind. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  How can love not be enough?  Maybe it's hope and faith too.  But the greatest of these is LOVE.  One thing is for sure, whatever else it takes, will not be enough if there is not love.  Not just for the child you just met but for Jesus.  With Jesus you can love them like He does, even if they may be unlovable at first. If you share the gospel with them Jesus will make up for whatever you are lacking.  I tell my children all the time, that I will fail them.  Even with the best of intentions, I will mess up.  Jesus will never fail them.  I will tell our foster or adopted children the same.  After all the let downs and broken promises they have seen it will be more refreshing for them to hope in One that never fails than a flawed parents like us.  We will try and pray to do the right thing, but in the end if they don't learn of the true love of Jesus, it doesn't matter.  Love is enough.  His love.

No must be NO

We are onto the part of what type of child would we accept. The list of circumstances is long and prayer provoking. Different race?  Disabilities? Mental illness? Sexually Abused? Product of rape or incest? Part of a sibling group? Exposed to drugs or alcohol?  Everything unknown? All of it takes faith, even birthing your own healthy child from your womb.

They say that 80% of children in foster care have been sexually abused.  Many times it is not even known until they are in a family where they build enough trust to discuss it or traumatic memories resurface.  There are many types of abuse of this type from exposure to inappropriate material to the unthinkable.

The advice I think that will serve us well regardless of what we can accept and what we cannot is, LET OUR NO BE OUR NO.  In other words, if we say we can take a single child ages 5-9 do not buckle when they call with twin newborns.  Or if you want a child under 3 do not cave in when they call and say we have a new baby but it comes with an 8 year old.  If you are not able to be comfortable with medically fragile children no matter how rosy the picture is painted about the prognosis do not be swayed.


That is not to say any of these situations are bad but whatever you feel God is leading you to stick with it and do not take on something He is not calling you to.  We went through several scenarios in class and I already saw myself letting my heart get away from me. The bible says our heart is deceitful.  Stick with God's plan.  Case workers have a heart too, and they live with the idea of all these kids that are not placed with a family.  They also know how terrific some of the kids are.  Unfortunately, it's easy for them to become persuasive at convincing you that you can handle a situation that God isn't calling you to.  Not to paint them in an unethical light, I am sure I would sell you on a child or sibling group too!  Remember "No Must Be No"!

Christian Organizations?

We have noticed that not all Christian adoption agencies are not exactly what we would consider Christian.  It was interesting how many times workers referred to people who were called by God to an infant or to a certain child using "air quotes" and a sarcastic tone.  One actually said that a couple felt God lead them to adopt a certain child from Foster Care and she (the worker) knew more about the child and had to turn them down. That is bold, claiming you know more than God.  I understand they probably get all kinds of people with many different motives but it is insulting to discount what they felt God was speaking to them frivolously.

We were also asked the dreaded question about discipline.  "Who believes in spanking?"  Most in the room believed in it.  When asked "Why?" Our reasoning was it is biblical.  Our trainer didn't agree with spanking and said it does not work.  Went on further to say that 80% of prison inmates were spanked.  Hmmmm.  Let's see, I see that 85% of them come from homes where there wasn't a father present.  Much bigger impact I would think.  Taking into consideration of course that I am sure many inmates were not spanked for correction in a biblical manner but probably abused.  I would hope we would agree there is a difference.

Complying with the law that you cannot spank a foster child, I would not.  The workers have forewarned that if you think you can spank your biological or adopted children and not the foster child, you are in for a battle. She feels we are setting them up for animosity among siblings attributed by an uneven playing field.  Something to consider but believe many children are bright enough to comprehend.

We were surprised that classes were not open or closed in prayer, also not one scripture was ever quoted.  Someone we met who were going through our other agency said they had gone through them (located in another state) because the one they were using in their state were allowing same sex couples to adopt but still claimed to be Christian. 

The system is very broken.  It is not efficient, effective or always in the best interest of the child.  The workers are underpaid, overworked and probably have their hands tied in many circumstances.  This statement is primarily in regards to government workers.  This job is really for the churches, I don't believe the government does much successfully.  Caring for children is no exception.  No one is being ministered to by the government, that is the body of Christ's job.  When the government steps in most feel it alleviates the responsibility we are called to do "take care of orphans and widows." It's messy, unpredictable and unfair many times.  So all that said, how do you think the children are feeling?

  

Foster Care Classes and Open Adoption

Classes meet every week for three hours.  Some of our sweet friends helped us out by watching our children while we attended.  Another way others can help orphans* babysit for the children of the foster parents who are attending classes!  That was a huge blessing for us.  Not to mention my kids loved having a fun night with their kids!  

We were in class with a couple single women, and a few couples.  Some were going through adoption some fostering.  One was attending to adopt a family member.  I was not aware that if a child is taken from the home in order for a family member (grandparents, aunts, etc) they have to go through the same process.  They also have to pass all the same background checks and home study.  So one widow was there to get qualified to adopt a niece out of state.

We talked about some very sensitive and controversial subjects. When we began discussing open adoption and visits with biological family during fostering we hit on some fears.  Many felt the way I did at the beginning of our adoption journey.  "I could never do open adoption!"  Once again I was taught, never say never.  In reality God brought me to a place where I finally said, "This is and never has been about me!" This isn't even about the child!  Gasp!  This is about Jesus.  Each child that comes into our home will be shared the Gospel, and if that child wants a relationship with their mother that would enable them to share the Gospel with her, isn't that more important?  It may even be an opportunity for us to minister to that family.  But my comfort should never be the issue.  This has always been about Him.  I do not feel that I need to "complete" my family. If so, that would mean God is not sufficient.  He is.  It also sets that child you are waiting for to become an idol.  Heartache would sure ensue if that is the case.

We were told that with private adoption you are cut yourself out of consideration in about 80% of cases if you are not willing to do open adoption.  Now, open adoption could mean you send photos and updates for the first 5 years.  There would likely be a third party that would be the go-between.  This also helps the biological parents solidify that they made the right decision and not wonder forever.  Or it could mean you build a relationship with the family in some way.

In fostering, the child must do family visits if the judge dictates that as part of the plan.  That does not mean that you have to have them over to your house. There could be a visitation center for you to meet and drop off. I know it sounds uncomfortable, maybe it will be, but what did Jesus go through for our adoption into God's family?

Fostering?

We decided to go through a Christian agency at first.  There were two issues, one the cost (is it me or is that always were the crisis of faith comes in?).  The second was my age.  I will be 44 this fall and at 45 if we are not chosen by a birth mother our file is deleted.  That is a lot of legwork, costs etc to be deleted.

Some dear friends are going through a custody battle with their foster son who they have had since birth in jail. It's been over a year and the parents were released on a loophole.  My heart has ached praying for the decision to come down from the judge.  Judges are nothing if not unpredictable.  At that point I said "I could never foster."  Yep, you know where this is going, don't you?

At first we thought, we could do respite (basically, babysitting to give foster parents a break, since they cannot use just any childcare for a foster child.)  There are also needs for people to drive kids to appointments for the foster parents and other duties.  Since the process is the same to foster and to do respite we thought this will be a great way to get our home study done and other costly things while we help out people who foster.  So the process began.

In the meantime, a different family we are close friends with were interested in adopting a little girl who had been fostered by friends of theirs for 15 months.  So they were starting the process as well.  They have six children and took some stretching to think about starting over with a toddler since their youngest was 8. As they were wrapping their brain and heart around the idea of this sweet girl a phone call comes.  She asked me if I was sitting down when she told me.  "No one in the system was aware that the birthmom was pregnant and she just gave birth to the little girl's brother, there was a newborn at the hospital!" So there addition of one jumped to two.

Introduction

Hello!  My journey of adoption started several decades ago with my own.  I was adopted in 1968.  The records are sealed so I only have non-identifying information on my biological parents.  Mom was a go-go dancer and my father, a musician who was completely not interested.  Unlike most adopted children I have never had this unquenchable need to meet my parents.  The respect I have for my mother and the sacrifice she made, her status is "superstar" in my mind. I didn't want to meet and have my image shattered.  Although as I have become a mother, my willingness to meet her has increased but only on her terms. If she had the need to meet me or correspond, I would but no intrusion into her life is necessary on my part.  My prayer is that she knows Jesus and if she doesn't hopefully I can share the gospel with her.

My husband and I have been blessed with four children, two boys and two girls.  Since I had four C-Sections the doctor convinced me to have a tubal ligation since it would be life threatening to be pregnant again due to the condition of my uterus.  There was some grieving that I went through.  The desire to have more children never left but at the same time I was content with my children.  Several years after the surgery I had regrets.  Not that I needed to have more children to be fulfilled but at not allowing God to be God and determine our family.  Don't get me wrong, I know God could still do it if He wanted but I am not comfortable with my action of trying to play God.

God first put adoption on my husband's heart then much later on mine.  Ironic, since I was the one who was adopted, you'd think I would have been first.  God just needed to get me to that point I guess. We hope you will join us on our journey of growth and faith.  God has already stretched us beyond where we were a year or two ago and we still haven't put our hands on a child yet!  I would LOVE any comments and perspectives you have.  Maybe some information on our process will help others.  We are called to take care of orphans, that just may look different to each person.